Forbidden Goods
by Lavi's Lucky Lady Thirteen
Summary: The reading companion to Forbidden Gods! Hilariously riotous what what! Warning: Everyone's out of character. Like, everyone. And the chapters are short. READ!
1. ACT I

L.13: Hello and welcome to the first episode of Forbidden Goods! A thing of comic relief! Okay…well basically me making fun of Forbidden Gods and D. Gray-Man…I thought it'd be fun to make this up! Enjoy!

ACT I- The reason why The Black Order doesn't have massage chairs

Allen: Wow! It sure is creepy down here! I wonder why your brother called us down to this forbidding and dark place, Lenalee.

Lenalee: *blinks* What brother?

Lavi: Er…Komui…? What other brother is there…?

Lenalee: ^_^ Heh, just kidding! I know EXACTLY who you're talking about…*shifty eyes*

Allen: ….Yeah so anyway, I say it's because he wants us to go on a top secret mission!

Lenalee: I think it's for tea! It's tea time.

Lavi: Mmm…I like tea…I bet it's because they finally commited Old Panda to a psycho war-

*Old-Panda-flying-kick-to-Lavi's-face-of-doom!*

Kanda: WTF?! Where did he come from?!

*Old-Panda-glare-at-Kanda-then-amble-away-of-doom!*

Lavi: Ow…my face…

Allen: You okay, Lavi?

Kanda: At least he didn't kick you in the ovaries.

*Everyone stares at Kanda in shock*

Kanda: I swear to General Cross he has 'em! *accusing finger*

Allen: Since when did my master become a cuss word…?

???: Since he doesn't ever show up for Casual Fridays. NOBODY skips out on Casual Fridays and gets away with it!

*Everyone yells profanities and generally panicks*

Komui: Relax, kiddies! It's just me! Lenalee's brother!

Lenalee: *blinks* Brother? What brother?

Komui: *exasperated sigh* I knew shoving you in that oversized Easy-Bake Oven was a bad idea but nooooo….! Reever had to go and say it was all in the name of science!

Allen: So why're we here, Komui?

Kanda: To get some.

*Everyone stares at Kanda in shock*

Lavi: I have duct tape.

Komui: Good. Use it. I'll explain the basic plot line and set up the story for this crappy generic, and slightly Sue-ish romance nove-

*In a sudden, "unheard of" turn of events, Komui is embedded with a pencil that reads 'Property of LLL13' in his general kidney area*

Komui: Oh Cross!

Allen: …Yeah so anyway, wanna tell us what we're doing down here?

Komui: *pulls pencil out* Gaaah…! We need you to track down this supernatural chick that'll make our side invincible. But beware her blue eyes!

Lenalee: Wuuuuaaaaayyyy…..? (Why?)

Lavi: *stops duct taping Kanda's mouth to stare at Lenalee* …Yeah the Easy-Bake Oven definitely wasn't a good move, chief.

Komui: Shut up. I didn't have coffee that morning. Anyway, beware the blue eyes!

Allen: Why? She'll steal your soul?

Kanda: *tears off duct tape* she'll rape you?

Lavi: *claps hand over Kanda's mouth* She'll turn you into a zombie?

Lenalee: *blinks* Brother? What brother?

Komui: Worse. She'll give you a massage chair! *opens door* And this is what happens when she gives you a massage chair!

*Everyone gasps in horror as they behold several zombies eating a screaming individual*

Lavi: Oh…Oh my Cross…I mean, I always knew massage chairs were forbidden but…

Lenalee: *hurls*

*Reever randomly pops up next to Komui*

Reever: Apparently the massage chair agitates your brainwaves with constant jiggling and so you resort to cannibal-

Komui: *shoves Reever in towards the zombies* YourMAMAneverlovedyouandyou'! *slams the door and locks it*

*Everyone stands in silence and listens to poor Reever scream*

Allen: …yeah so anyway…

~Chapter 7 coming soon!~


	2. ACT II

ACT II- The reason why smoking is NEVER a good idea

Allen: Yay! We're lost in the middle of South America with NO IDEA of where we are!

Lenalee: I…I see a light…

Lavi: Gah! Get her away from Kanda! She's gonna get lung cancer!

Kanda: It's a fake cigarette. They were selling them at the airport along with fake guns and bombs. *shifty eyes*

Lavi: …You're the worst liar I have ever seen.

Lenalee: If I want to be a rebel, I bring a container with MORE than 3 oz. of liquid!

Allen: …yeah so anyway, how're we supposed to find this super-blue-eyed-Mary-Sue-chick?

Lavi: We'll split up. Allen, you interview blue eyed little girls wearing only one glove and have a creepy smile on your face. Kanda, pick a woman and follow until you die. Lenalee…er…distract yourself. I'll go to that bar over there and talk to blue eyed women with large busts.

Lenalee: No comprende senior.

???: Hey are you guys looking for a blue eyed girl?

Allen: Why yes! Yes we are!

???: My name's Tsume. I have supernatural powers and can make massage chairs appear. I also have a mental breakdown about once a chapter.

Kanda: That's our woman! Come with us and be gang raped.

Tsume: Er…shouldn't it be 'or be gang raped'?

Kanda: …Nooo…You have no choice. Oops! My cigarette!

*3/4 of the Amazon Forest bursts into flames. Everyone stares at the destruction, stunned*

Kanda: ….well Cross.


	3. ACT III

ACT III- The reason why akuma should NEVER be given reading material

Tsume: I'm on a boat! I want my flippy floppies!

Allen: What are flippy floppies anyway?

Lenalee: I believe they called them thongs in the 90's.

Lavi: Ah…the nineties…they had great music… It's the end of the world as we know it! *continues to sing to himself*

Tsume: Hey so Allen! I think Lavi is madly in love with me!

Allen: Gee, Tsume! What gave it away?

Tsume: *blink* I don't know. I said I think, smart ass. Do you really believe I'd actually figure this out before the pre-destined chapter of fluff? God! Read more fanfictions! *walks off angrily*

Lenalee: What brother?

Allen: *sigh* Where's Kanda? This is ridiculous!

Cap'n Jenkins: ARrRrR! I be Cap'n Jenkins and I debut at the end of one chapter, become a protagonist in another, and then bow out gracefully in another! Where be the lass with the freaky powers?

Allen: Oh she's right there. *points at Tsume*

Cap'n Jenkins: *walks up to Tsume and points like they do on SH* WUAIIIITCHHH!

Tsume: *blinks* Eh?

Lavi: I believe he's condemning you to die a painful death of being slowly burned to a crisp.

Tsume: *sighs* Again?

Crew Member: Cap'n! We're under attack!

Cap'n Jenkins: Curse you Barbossa! Why're you always after me Cap'n Crunch?

Lavi: Wait, captains actually have Cap'n Crunch?

Cap'n Jenkins: Aye. I guard it with me life lass.

Lavi: I'm a lad.

Cap'n Jenkins: Sure ya are… *rolls eyes and walks away*

Lavi:…..k he needs to lay off the lucky charms.

Cap'n Jenkins: THAT'S CAP'N CRUNCH! AS IN CRUNCHITIZE ME CAP'N?

Lavi: WHATEVER!

Allen: AH! Here comes an akuma!

Akuma: Give me your romance novels and I'll spare your lives!

Tsume: I'll fight it guys! You run! *steps in front of Akuma* Never fear, Mary Sue is here!

Allen: I don't have romance novels, do you Lenalee?

Lenalee: Only Blossom in My Kimono.

Lavi: *girly gasp* OMG! You like the Passionate Katana series too?

Lenalee: *girly gasp* OMG! Who doesn't? What's your favorite?

Lavi: Well, I like Tumble In The Rock Garden-

*FLYING-PANDA-BOOT-TO-THE-HEAD-OF-DOOOOMMM!*

*All stare in silence as Old Panda ambles off, leaving Lavi buried underneath the mast*

Allen: I assume he doesn't like you discussing those books with other people…

Lavi: Well they ARE his originally…

Tsume: *throws books at akuma* Here! Leave my friends alone! Be gone, demon! Or I'll make a massage chair appear!

Akuma: Nooo! Spare me! *takes books and leaves*

Tsume: Well! That's settled! Now let's get this mast off you, Lavi. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with you. Not uh.

Lavi: I believe it!

Allen: Hey has anyone seen Kanda?

*Below deck in his cabin, Kanda pulls the back the hood of an akuma costume, looking over the romance novels in his hand*

Kanda: Mm….Blossom in My Kimono….


End file.
